This blog post is about Rosie Bates climbing Cloud Tower in Red Rocks, and the emotion and mental honing climbing provokes.
The Preface – Why I Climb
I’m not one for trip-reports or beta descriptions; I’ve never been good with remembering route names or what gear to place at the crux. I tend to leave a climb humbled by it’s beauty and power–remembering not the moves and how they worked in sequence but how the rock reached out and grabbed me it’s red core pulsing through my veins as I bled up the wall’s wrinkled wisdom. For the most part I am at a lost for words after climbing trips; I just want to feel the rock again, to feel the beating of the earth through it’s exposed appendages. There is something about leaving a climb—feeling a sigh of relief that I survived, but having the notion haunt me that I will be back again soon to go through the process again. I have seen the big Red Rock walls outside of Vegas in many different forms and at different times they both comfort and scare me. I always imagine them whispering knowingly “you don’t belong here; it is time for you to go home”.
It’s been a couple of weeks since my last trip to Red Rocks and still remnants of the vertical life linger with me; I get nervous before a test and reach back to chalk up, I am overwhelmed with tripping because I am not anchored in, and most importantly look at those around me and feel a loss of words to explain the type of adventure I have just been on.
My tick list this year is going slower than expected, but I aimed pretty high for being a full time student along with a job and research position. So as much as I would like to climb the West Face of El Cap and Rainbow Wall before Jan 1st, this just isn’t realistic. But regardless of what I haven’t accomplished this year, these past seven months have been some of the most profound of my life. They have been profound because I have not only managed to stay sober for that long, but have found my approach to climbing has changed—I carry an attitude that I have never had in my 9 years of experience; and all those in conjunction have culminated in an ascent–not yet perfect—but nonetheless ascent of Cloud Tower in Red Rocks with me as the leader.
There is always the quintessential nervous-excitedness that goes along with the pre-climb preparation and for me it is almost debilitating. I used to get this way before races during my short stint as a cross-country runner. I would be unable to think of anything else besides the race for the week prior, continually imagining, and dreaming every possible thing that could go terribly wrong. So as you can see; the cards were stacked against me for goals in the big wall climbing realm. Luckily my passion for the big walls overcomes my fear for the unknown. It was during cross-country that I figured out how to control these fears by taking all my negative nervous energy and transfer it to pure adrenaline. Simply stated this is positive self-talk. So before races all the cliche phrases you could imagine pulsed through my veins in a rhythmic mantra “you got this Rosie!” “believe in yourself!” “Hey, hey Rosie, you are the best, okay?” and even if I never consciously knew I was doing this; it helped.
I eventually quit running and not because I was afraid but because I hated running also, I had found climbing. Climbing gave me more jitters than running ever would, but something about those fears drove me–to destruction many a time, but still I kept on pushing through. But pushing through often left me forgetting that I was afraid. I would put on the “hard core Rosie” face and never admit that what I was doing scared the s*** out of me. Doing this though, often left me in the middle of climbs forcing myself through the fear—through a hard move because I never wanted anybody to see what was actually going on inside my head. This is not enjoyment, this is destruction; and sometimes you have to succumb to your vulnerabilities to reach the top. Climbing has taught me it is not about pushing through the fear but letting that drive you, and being conscious of it’s power.
The Mission – Cloud Tower at Red Rocks
The week before we left for Red Rocks the dreams had started–the blurred sepia-toned movie reel on repeat of me approaching the base of the climb and looking up at the ominous red speckled spire. Luckily, one might say though I had a lot on my plate that week in the way of school and my thoughts were occupied with meiosis and the psychological approaches to the courtroom. So when the school-week ended and the drive to Las Vegas ensued the nerves returned. But something was different this time. I talked about it. I told people, “hey you know, this climb, well I AM SCARED!” There was something about verbalizing these fears that allowed them to flow through me. These fears flowing through me gave me the ability to feel the adrenaline, to understand how much climbing meant to me because of how much emotion it evoked; and if these seven months have taught me anything it is that emotions are a beautiful part of human nature and being vulnerable is different than being weak. So there we were and all that I had learned in cross country I actually began to understand; I felt that positive energy and embraced the beautiful climb I was about to embark on.
CLOUD TOWER is now rated 12a, but that is according to Mountain Project, and some would say the breed of trad climbers these days have gotten soft; so we’ll go with 11d.
The last time I got on this route was also with Mike Maiden and I had sullenly backed off the first pitch (5.8) after a calf cramp disabled my further progress (I was probably just scared, but I would never admit that). Mike dutifully proceeded to lead all the pitches except the last and I followed both internally grateful, mortally embarrassed.
This time I would not let my fear get in the way, or some “calf cramp”. Although first pitches typically scare me (I usually get in the groove around pitch 4) I took on that 5.8 and linked it up with the second pitch cruising to the belay tree atop the second pitch. From here I could see the fourth pitch crux. I looked up at that, suddenly struck with the beauty of it all. My fear vanished and I was just grateful to be able to see the world from atop my vantage point, how lucky we are to be climbers. I finished the climb, took some falls on the crux pitch and moved on. I can do it clean—the falls were just mental, but what does that matter; I made it to the top, and isn’t that what we strive for?
Beautiful as it is Red Rocks always keeps me on my toes. Perhaps it is the times that I have broken off holds, or heard rock fall in the distance. Or rather it is the descents I have done in the dark; looking for cairns that lead me to the edge of a cliff. Either way I keep on going back; and this most recent trip was one of my best. Not only did I manage to lead the crux pitch of cloud tower I was surrounded by some amazing people who had some major breakthroughs themselves. Mike beautifully finished the last pitch of cloud tower; clean and in good style. Savanna joined us on top of the cube (a 27 foot boulder) in a dazzling accomplishment of mental strength, Colin lead his first trad pitch with brilliant confidence, Connell lead the entirety of Dark Shadows after only leading on gear for about 3 months, Will did the same as he took Adam up his longest route to date. Gisselle stunned us all with her daring feats of boulders and ropes, and Sean showed how a fear of heights doesn’t stop someone from pursing something they are passionate about. It was a wonderful compilation of good company and focused energy.
It reminded me why I love the sport, it brings together individuals who are just as afraid and as excited about exposing themselves as I am and for me this is life–this is living.
– Rosie Bates • Mesa Rim Staff, Student, Rad Climber
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